Waiting

My friend prayed for me this morning because my level of frustration was too much to bear on my own

I am writing this without punctuation at the end of sentences because that’s what waiting feels like So much of what I am doing now feels like doing then waiting then doing some more without a real end in sight I know there will be one But when

I have waited for so many things in my life and in this season it feels like the waiting just goes on and on Many of the people around me don’t see the waiting because it is held close

Deep

Prayers that long to be answered and the discomfort of waiting just festers some days and other days there is peace

But not today

Today there is anger in the waiting I write to keep the bitterness at bay Praying for others in the waiting season brings a reprieve from my own pain and frustration only to have it return in some crescendo like holler at Heaven I know waiting transforms exposes releases reveals

Today I’m going for a walk with my dog while I wait some more

Free

I'm writing with the Five Minute Friday crowd again on Saturday morning.

Start:

So many times in the past few months I have felt like I'm stuck living under a microscope watching and waiting to see what would happen... Stumbling in and out of caring.

And now, after some spiritual recalibration - I am FREE.

It's not about me! It's about Him!

Pride is such a nasty thing, sucking me into defensive mode and tempting me to forget that key truth!

Refreshing as the sun breaking through the clouds on a stormy day I am to live in being "FOR" and not worrying about what might be "against".

“He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, and to love kindness and mercy, and to humble yourself and walk humbly with your God? [Deut. 10:12, 13.]”
‭‭Micah‬ ‭6:8‬ ‭AMP‬‬
http://bible.com/8/mic.6.8.amp

The clouds are rolling in, lightning and thunder returns, I remain FREE to do what He has shown me knowing the sun will come out.
Stop.

PREPARE instead of Procrastinate

Five Minute Friday is one of my favorite blog post events I participate in. I start here to get my word prompt and write for five minutes without editing like the crazy word nerd that I am.

Today's Prompt: PREPARE

GO:

I saw a t-shirt this week posted on Facebook. It said "I put the PRO in Procrastinate". It made me laugh. Sort of. I procrastinate less and less now that I know it is one of the obvious signs I'm heading towards depression.

Now, I try to put the PRO in PROACTIVE.

This requires that I PREPARE for a whole lot of things better than I used to.

PREPARE my heart for hearing from God throughout the day by acknowledging Him first thing and thanking Him in advance for all that comes my way.
PREPARE my mind for the needs and activities that I know will happen and preventing ahead of time the "stinkin' thinkin'" that robs me of the ability to move forward at the pace my life requires.
PREPARE my body for learning to ski this winter -- NEED more TIME at the GYM!
PREPARE my family for the events of the day, planning to be a blessing to all they encounter and walk in grace and compassion for others.
PREPARE my home for life to happen without the chaos that comes when things are disheveled and disorganized.

I have been working on these things for several weeks, some for many years. I don't necessarily do them well all the time but each day, week, month and year that goes by, I improve because I'm finally focused on them instead of just responding to the crisis that occurs when I don't PREPARE.

STOP.

Processing Peace...

These past weeks I've encountered a whole new challenge (well, several, but I'm going to be specific on just this one for now).

I've found myself processing what peace looks like in any given moment. So many times I feel like my life is a three ring circus (one ring for each boy) and I am the Ringmaster, the props manager and backstage director all at the same time. My Love, when out of town, is watching from a distant screen longing to join in the fun/chaos. When he is here, he and I trade hats, juggling each position as each of us can. I really miss him when he travels!

The rhythm of OUR chaos isn't out of control. Control is an illusion anyway, right? The rhythm of our world isn't supposed to match anyone else's life. I often find myself thinking I am doing something "wrong" or should be doing something "better". I do make mistakes and there is always room for improvement but should I ever feel apologetic for what our life looks like to anyone else?

NO!

We are US.

Our family chemistry is OURS. The synergy of US all together in a jam or in pure joy, it is OUR moment, OUR memories made.

If I have to pop on a Top Hat and crack the whip to get all my "clowns" in the car to get to school on time, I do. As long as I am not spinning my head and barking like the yak woman (sometimes it happens), I figure it is all a part of our world. Some days are prettier than others but overall, its US.

If I have to rearrange the props for a more effective production - then I do. Each son puts away his own laundry. Since amnesia tends to strike when it's time to take them from the one place I put them all in neat piles, I put each fella's pile on his bed. No questions about what is who's there... Thankfully they all know where they sleep. That's what we do - its US.

If I have to set timers, remove toys, or alter activities in order to notify each guy when his act needs to change and provide more clear and unmistakable direction then I do. Its OUR way.

I write all this not to be defensive because I've felt judged (and I have) but because regardless of who's opinion is out there - our family is wonderful. So is yours.

I have found a way to process this peace that may seem like chaos from the outside. ENJOYMENT. I'm not going with the flow or striving hard to do something better or more, but taking in the moments that are hard and the ones that are fun and being in that moment - seeing the process of peace, becoming, growing, learning, to enjoy US at a whole new level.

My Black Hole - Part 3

If you missed Part 1 or Part 2 those links will take you there.

I am neck deep in living Part 3! I have a new hairstyle, a new wardrobe style (I call it quirky casual to make it seem creative when I just want to wear something I love regardless of how well it "goes" with whatever else I've got on and a joy-filled outlook.

My necklace was a gift from my Love for losing 75lbs. Blue Piranha is full of gorgeous wearable art!

The challenges are daily, the victories are frequent, the defeats don't feel eternal, the joy inside is my constant companion, finally.

I see beauty everywhere. I was at a women's retreat this weekend - the first one in a long time. The setting was beautiful, but the women - spectacular!

For once I wasn't focused on how I measure myself against or alongside them. I was content to be me and enjoy them. No comparisons, no wondering what it would be like to have that body, that face, that money, that _____. I used to get stuck in weighing myself against the competition - was I really the fattest woman in the room or could I find someone heavier than me? This time it didn't even cross my mind. Not once.

That alone is a giant victory from where I once lived. But to learn from a great speaker, enjoy the presence of beloved friends, and soak up the beauty of nature without once focusing on my lack of anything compared to anyone - that is a REAL MIRACLE!

I didn't even realize it until I started writing how amazing that was. Wow!

On to the daily stuff - the daily lists, Mt. Laundry, stinky crock pots from the night before, and the watch I dropped behind the bed that I only remember is there when the alarm goes off...

Life is still very daily.

I get up, wander out to let the dog outside, type blogs from my bed, roll my eyes at my "bed head", get boys up and ready for school, get ready for work, run errands, clean things, wash things, decide if Mt. Laundry can wait another day or if a load or two would be helpful...

I've made mistakes at work that when corrected, didn't devastate me. I've made mistakes at home that require repentance (usually to my kids) and didn't spend hours or days contemplating how horrible they would turn out because I am their mom, and I still have things that stare at me daily reminding me I am a work in progress, but I don't feel defeated, only thankful that God isn't finished with me yet. 

This Black Hole series has been a good reminder to me - when I was in it - all I saw was the Hole - self-obsessed survival, desperate of mind and body. I stared into the darkness looking for any shred of Hope. I found it, barely, but the darkness didn't go away. Now, over a year later, I know the benefit of walking through it all. 

I almost gave up. I am so glad I didn't. It was worth every bit of painful self-exploration, purposeful spiritual growth, and stormy emotional waves to get to the other side of it. 

If you are in the Hole. Hang on. Don't give up. There is Light at the end of this tunnel. Get the help you need. You won't regret it. And, I'm praying for you!

My Black Hole - Part 2

I didn't stay where I left off in My Black Hole (Part 1) but I need to add in some components of that time...

There are several things that spoke to me in this season that helped me feel validated in my agony and despair. One of the first, the broken butterfly cookie. Made by my favorite bakery, damaged while putting it on the shelf, I could see myself in it. I felt "damaged while on the shelf" in so many ways. I bought it and ate it almost like some kind of communion with my broken self. 

Each night I'd go to bed begging God to release me from this, cranking at Him for making me live in this pain, wanting to take a sleeping pill to force my self-hatred to the far recesses of my mind, or flooded with anxiety about what the next day would hold. 

One morning I woke up thinking about rip currents. I grew up close to the beach in Southern California and we were there at least once a week. I learned to body surf and boogie board by trial and error and had been caught in many of them over the years. As a teen, I got to the point where I wasn't worried if I ended up in one because I knew how to get out. But now, in 2013, I didn't remember that. So I looked it up.

So many handy tips about depression in there. 

I found nothing about fighting it, resenting being stuck in it, freaking out about it, or forcing yourself to go beyond what you are capable of! Only solid wisdom about how I should respond to this "rip current" of depression...

Finally I felt like I had permission "If in doubt, don't go out." So I stayed in. Only seeing the psychiatrist to work on finding the best medication to manage my brain chemistry, the counselor to work through the pain and change thought patterns, and my small group. Most of the time I went to church. I cried a lot there, but it was a safe place. 

When I look at the pictures of this season - this one taken of a fresh hair cut and color, I can't help but see the sadness in my eyes.

  

This picture popped up on a friend's Facebook page one day. Again, I felt the need to decide. Am I going to DO life, or DO NOT. Trying wasn't going to get me anywhere. So, I decided to DO.

I had a peaceful sleep filled respite with my aunt in New Mexico. She gifted me with so much in those few days. My favorite though, was this small ceramic circle. I saw it on her wall, loved it, so she gave it to me. Another artifact of this season of pain that turned, slowly, into a blessing.

I left there with a long way to go, but knowing that somehow I'd make it.

One of the major changes I made was having weight loss surgery. I have spent over 20 years at least 100lbs overweight. It was time to do something about it. I had been praying about surgery for over five years. So, six months after the beginning of the "Jennifer Recovery Plan" (JRP) my Love and I decided it was time. 

My medication was balancing out my brain, my thought life, while still challenging, was improving, and my food addiction was still a huge battle that needed focused attention. I knew my family and many of my friends would be there to support me, but without my small group, I would have never had the courage to go through with it. You can see the difference it made in me, physically and emotionally. There were still many times I cried, longing to feel full without getting sick, wanting to order an actual plate of food not just share with my Love, and desperately wanting to stuff down the pain with food as I had in the past. It still happens, just not as often. 

June 2014

I was starting to find courage to live again. Jennifer was not some elusive woman I glimpsed in the mirror for a fleeting second, but one who I began to see regularly. I could start to see beyond the butt size, the lack of makeup, the messiness of life to the woman God designed. I have always been told Jesus loves me. But in this season, I've started to really get a deep heart level sense that He LIKES me.

(By the way, He LIKES you too. He sees the struggle and He definitely loves you, but, He really likes you too. I'm not just saying that. I hear His heart for others sometimes and I felt like He wants you to know that - today - right now - He likes you.)

A few weeks ago I got out of town with a few girlfriends. I felt myself, for the first time in a very long while, resting in the moment. Not trying to imagine what might come next, to try to stay one step ahead driven by the fear of the unknown, but to dream... Imagine the possibilities... Speaking aloud things planted in my heart about who I desire to become... 

These are pictures taken that weekend. Yes, one is a "selfie". I've taken several over the last year, many I deleted, to try to see "me" in the clouds of fog, moments of agony, and on my way out of the Hole. This one, I loved. The real "Me" coming out of the Hole, looking forward to the future...  

 

Speaking of future... I'm about to go back to writing the blog I started years ago about my pursuit of physical fitness. Stories of all four triathlons I completed are in there. Early on in my triathlon dreams I began considering doing an Ironman race. 

Watching friends do them over the years and vacillating between being sure I could never do it and dreaming of crossing that finish line, this year I took it a step further. August 3, 2014 I stood along the run course cheering on all the exhausted racers jogging or walking by cheering like I knew them. I would think in one moment, I could never do this, and then - I'm not kidding you - a "Jennifer" would jog or walk by. It happened at least five or six times. At one point I looked up to the sky and laughed and asked Him if He was trying to tell me something! Then, later at the finish line, I saw them again. "Jennifer" after "Jennifer" finishing the race. Maybe it was a "sign" maybe it wasn't depending on how skeptical I am at any given moment. 

The next evening, the volunteer thank you dinner was fun. I had never been to one and didn't know what to expect. The best part for me was meeting the 1st place finisher in the women's division. When she spoke I could see my dream of Ironman again as a real possibility. When she said she'd be sticking around after the dinner to sign posters afterwards, I decided to meet her. I shared my story briefly with her. She wrote a note of encouragement and was happy to take a picture with me. 

There will be a Part 3 in another week or two... sharing the current challenges in my healing process and life journey, but for now, I am thankful to say I am super close to being out of the Hole and I am so thankful I lived to share about it. Many thanks to all who have prayed me through this, sent notes & texts of encouragement and phone calls checking in. God has used you in a powerful way. I am blessed to have you in my life.

Continued in Part 3

My Black Hole - Part 1

When I look back at my life just over a year ago it couldn't be more different than it is today.

This time last year I was submerged in a black hole so deep I honestly didn't care if I ever came out. I had lost the desire to fight for the light. The trigger for this hole is different for everyone so the "reason" is irrelevant... the experience of the pain is real!

It terrified me and comforted me at the same time.

I found solace in the idea of death. After all, everyone would be better without me right? My kids wouldn't have their defective mother and my husband wouldn't have to deal with a wife who couldn't manage to meet the perceived (and real) expectations no matter what or how I tried. The more I considered the idea, the more reasonable it sounded. My friends and family would recover and go on with their lives and I would be out of the head/heart pain I was in. Win/Win right?

Until the psychiatrist said to me: "If a mother kills herself, at least one of her children will want to be with her. Please don't do this to them. Your anger and heart ache is real and needs healing. Please don't give up. Get the help you need, if only for them."

So I did.

Psychiatrist for medication to deal with the physiological misfires in my brain, a counselor for my thought patterns that need changed, and a small group to be instrumental in speaking life, challenging lies I believed and a workbook that we would work through together finding freedom in God's unfailing love for us.

Early on, I had a friend come and pick me up and take me to a meeting where one of my favorite speakers was sharing. I felt like the guy in the Bible who was taken by stretcher to where Jesus was and dropped through the roof to find healing. I walked in the door, but there is no way I would have left the house without her coming to get me, talking to me all the way there, and not minding the fact that I hadn't showered in days.

Later on, I continued to battle multiple panic attacks every day but they were less than five instead of over ten. I rarely left the house, tried to engage with my kids more, let go of aspirations of joining the PTA, and settled in for the JRP (Jennifer Recovery Plan). I attended hardly any school events because I couldn't stop the panic attacks, I tried to keep tabs on my kids behavior at school only by emails with the teachers, and continued to choke down the fact that I was not going to ever be the same again.

More months go by and I am getting better but still not wanting to be seen. I felt like all my flaws, mistakes and malfunctions were hanging off me like warning flags. I was gaining weight, barely sleeping, and while the darkness of the hole was brightening, I still wasn't able to see out.

I had more days that felt better, more days I could "show up" for life, more days that the end of the tunnel was getting closer and even, occasionally, I could see the end of it...

Continued in Part 2