Friday, January 27, 2017

What Can I Control?


Joining the Five Minute Friday writing gang again today.

I find that when I feel out of control I am flooded with anxiety and my productivity is severely unhinged.

When I stop and focus on what I can control -  ME - my actions, responses, reactions and behavior everything in my world comes into order.

What I can control is deciding what I will do and how I will proceed with whatever is happening in my world in any given moment.

I have 3 boys who are super busy, challenging, and incredibly brilliant - I'm their mom - I'm supposed to feel that way... but they are also like standing in front of a pitching machine with a bat in my hand and every ball coming toward me is unpredictable.

As I type they are yelling battle cries, shooting Nerf guns and careening about the house fighting with each other about whose is what and jockeying for position in the hierarchy of our world...

I can control me, type, focus on the benefits to letting them work things out for themselves while I carve out 5 minutes to blog.

The difference between peace and anxiety for me is knowing what I can control is me.

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

2017 the Year of Joy

It was 10 years ago, I had to say goodbye. Losing a baby changes you.

This past week my body has had more memories than I have. Back to back anxiety attacks, sadness, restlessness, and random mood swings that seem connected to nothing, I have been reliving it. The uncertainty, the fear, all came back like a tidal wave of history. The week of waiting to know if she was going to grow.

It was my first trimester, elated, I was already attached. Our toddler boys and I came up with a song to celebrate her existence only to have to change the lyrics once she died. They saw her, like a diamond on a ring when heart was beating, she was real to them. Having a sister in Heaven changed them too.

I’d walked with beloved friends through this loss. I’d seen the grieving, the heartbreak, the leaning in to Jesus when temptation is to push Him away. I begged Him to show me who I’d lost. In the haze of sleep and waking, the day after loss-discovery, He showed her to me. Tucked in His arms, girl-pink blanket swaddling and white knit cap revealing dark eyebrows, feathery lashes on eyes closed asleep, sweet teeny nose, rosebud lips relaxed, peaceful. For a few moments, only moments, the agony was replaced with beauty.

My middle name is Joy. I’ve loved and hated having an emotion as a part of my title. I wanted a girl and thought having a little girl named Joy would be delightful. My logical linear thinking Love said naming a child after an emotion wasn’t something he would consider. Until now.

We were overJoyed when we discovered I was pregnant for the third time. She only knew our Joy for her arrival. She would never know the pain of earth-living, Joy was the perfect choice for her.
Ten years later, I type in the early hours, Sophie-dog in my lap, releasing again the darling little lady waiting for us in Heaven. Grateful for the gift of her. The knowing of grief while embracing Joy is the declaration to dive deep and rise.

2017 the Year of Joy.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Re"Fine"


Joining the gang at Five Minute Friday today...


Choking again on another day of anxiety attacks.

The sun is shining, the sky is blue and I’m sobbing in my truck.

I went to lunch with my hubby, which I typically love, but instead today we talked of grocery budgets, his opinions and mine on expenses and I mentioned how I feel buried in my MUST DO NOW list. I’m sure he didn’t enjoy it any more than I did. He feels helpless with this crazy place that happens in our world. After 25 years, it’s still a challenge despite the professional resources we are grateful for.

And so, I sob, all the way home and cry at my keyboard as I type.

I see the word prompt for today is REFINE.

I feel like taking it in a non-normal direction and say re-fine is to say you are fine, and then when someone else asks, “How are you?” you say “fine”. So you re-“fine”. And you keep saying it because when you are feeling sucked in the blackness despite the sunny soggy-snow-melty blue sky day, that is how you are. Fine.

I don’t imagine off-ing myself. My suicidal thoughts died when my psychiatrist told me that often kids follow their parents if they commit suicide. That horrified me. Never. Ever. Ever.

Today I am just fine. Crying, sniffling, trying to push through the anxiety that is coursing through my veins I will continue to re"fine” until I believe it. 

I'll be "fine".

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Waiting

My friend prayed for me this morning because my level of frustration was too much to bear on my own
I am writing this without punctuation at the end of sentences because that’s what waiting feels like So much of what I am doing now feels like doing then waiting then doing some more without a real end in sight I know there will be one But when
I have waited for so many things in my life and in this season it feels like the waiting just goes on and on Many of the people around me don’t see the waiting because it is held close
Deep
Prayers that long to be answered and the discomfort of waiting just festers some days and other days there is peace
But not today
Today there is anger in the waiting I write to keep the bitterness at bay Praying for others in the waiting season brings a reprieve from my own pain and frustration only to have it return in some crescendo like holler at Heaven I know waiting transforms exposes releases reveals

Today I’m going for a walk with my dog while I wait some more

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Free

I'm writing with the Five Minute Friday crowd again on Saturday morning.

Start:

So many times in the past few months I have felt like I'm stuck living under a microscope watching and waiting to see what would happen... Stumbling in and out of caring.

And now, after some spiritual recalibration - I am FREE.

It's not about me! It's about Him!

Pride is such a nasty thing, sucking me into defensive mode and tempting me to forget that key truth!

Refreshing as the sun breaking through the clouds on a stormy day I am to live in being "FOR" and not worrying about what might be "against".

“He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, and to love kindness and mercy, and to humble yourself and walk humbly with your God? [Deut. 10:12, 13.]”
‭‭Micah‬ ‭6:8‬ ‭AMP‬‬
http://bible.com/8/mic.6.8.amp

The clouds are rolling in, lightning and thunder returns, I remain FREE to do what He has shown me knowing the sun will come out.
Stop.

Friday, December 12, 2014

PREPARE instead of Procrastinate

Five Minute Friday is one of my favorite blog post events I participate in. I start here to get my word prompt and write for five minutes without editing like the crazy word nerd that I am.

Today's Prompt: PREPARE

GO:

I saw a t-shirt this week posted on Facebook. It said "I put the PRO in Procrastinate". It made me laugh. Sort of. I procrastinate less and less now that I know it is one of the obvious signs I'm heading towards depression.

Now, I try to put the PRO in PROACTIVE.

This requires that I PREPARE for a whole lot of things better than I used to.

PREPARE my heart for hearing from God throughout the day by acknowledging Him first thing and thanking Him in advance for all that comes my way.
PREPARE my mind for the needs and activities that I know will happen and preventing ahead of time the "stinkin' thinkin'" that robs me of the ability to move forward at the pace my life requires.
PREPARE my body for learning to ski this winter -- NEED more TIME at the GYM!
PREPARE my family for the events of the day, planning to be a blessing to all they encounter and walk in grace and compassion for others.
PREPARE my home for life to happen without the chaos that comes when things are disheveled and disorganized.

I have been working on these things for several weeks, some for many years. I don't necessarily do them well all the time but each day, week, month and year that goes by, I improve because I'm finally focused on them instead of just responding to the crisis that occurs when I don't PREPARE.

STOP.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Processing Peace...



These past weeks I've encountered a whole new challenge (well, several, but I'm going to be specific on just this one for now).

I've found myself processing what peace looks like in any given moment. So many times I feel like my life is a three ring circus (one ring for each boy) and I am the Ringmaster, the props manager and backstage director all at the same time. My Love, when out of town, is watching from a distant screen longing to join in the fun/chaos. When he is here, he and I trade hats, juggling each position as each of us can. I really miss him when he travels!

The rhythm of OUR chaos isn't out of control. Control is an illusion anyway, right? The rhythm of our world isn't supposed to match anyone else's life. I often find myself thinking I am doing something "wrong" or should be doing something "better". I do make mistakes and there is always room for improvement but should I ever feel apologetic for what our life looks like to anyone else?

NO!

We are US.

Our family chemistry is OURS. The synergy of US all together in a jam or in pure joy, it is OUR moment, OUR memories made.

If I have to pop on a Top Hat and crack the whip to get all my "clowns" in the car to get to school on time, I do. As long as I am not spinning my head and barking like the yak woman (sometimes it happens), I figure it is all a part of our world. Some days are prettier than others but overall, its US.

If I have to rearrange the props for a more effective production - then I do. Each son puts away his own laundry. Since amnesia tends to strike when it's time to take them from the one place I put them all in neat piles, I put each fella's pile on his bed. No questions about what is who's there... Thankfully they all know where they sleep. That's what we do - its US.

If I have to set timers, remove toys, or alter activities in order to notify each guy when his act needs to change and provide more clear and unmistakable direction then I do. Its OUR way.

I write all this not to be defensive because I've felt judged (and I have) but because regardless of who's opinion is out there - our family is wonderful. So is yours.

I have found a way to process this peace that may seem like chaos from the outside. ENJOYMENT. I'm not going with the flow or striving hard to do something better or more, but taking in the moments that are hard and the ones that are fun and being in that moment - seeing the process of peace, becoming, growing, learning, to enjoy US at a whole new level.