Saturday, November 23, 2013

Stopping to Smell the Moonlight

It was 6:17 when I heard the fussing. Our puppy Sophie needed to go outside to do her well, you know...

I get up, grab my sweatshirt and shoes to take her out. I unlock her kennel and she rushes out. On our way to the back door she stops suddenly.

She spies something on the kitchen floor. Sniffs it, then keeps moving.

It was a patch of moonlight shining in the kitchen window.

Smart girl.

I think she has her priorities right.

Not that I think laying around for large portions of the day is the way I think I should live my life. But when Sophie rests, she really rests.

When she explores, she's super focused and much to my annoyance at times, a little too clever at spotting that one battleship that didn't get picked up because it was too close to the color of the carpet. Or the water bottle one of my fellas left under a bench at the park.

She lives in the moment. All the time. She won't hesitate to let you know when she needs something, she assumes you think she's amazing and she is attentive to the world around her in a way I am not.

I am going to spend the next several days trying to be more like her. Noticing the moonlight on the kitchen floor, learning to really rest when my body says it's time, and being alert to the details of life.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Neck Deep in the Battle

The last couple of days were ridiculously awful. In my head. Oh, they were awful for the people around me too, but in my head they were much worse.

I know the truth about who God says I am. I have walked confidently in my identity in Christ. I have successfully battled the "you're a terrible mother" assaults in my mind with every volume change, attitude change and toxic choice before too.

But the last two days have been much more intense. This time there is a raw fear attached to those thoughts. I'm taking my beautiful fellas so intensely personal when they call me mean, disregard or disrespect me. I didn't do that before.

I have had moments the past 48 hours of laughter, peace, and hope for something else but then the assault continues and I have to hold my breath and swim back to the surface convincing myself I won't drown in my self-destructive thoughts.

I'm changing medications and that may be a factor. I'm pursuing my heart hurts and growing my faith. I'm medicating with food and sometimes alcohol (very minimally with alcohol because if you don't know, it makes you MORE depressed and I sure don't need that!).

And tonight, His still small voice whispered this to me:

YOU have tremendous value. I'm not giving up on you. Please don't give up on Me. Stir up your faith, I've got you. I see you struggling with believing Me and trusting Me. It may not look like what you imagined, but I promise it will be better. I love you. Holding you forever, God

I'm heading to bed. The depths of me needing the depth of His love to purge the partially true-mostly lies thoughts from my head and soothe my heart with His healing touch as I sleep. At least, that's what I'm asking Him for.

Thursday, November 14, 2013


I've changed so much this past year, I hardly recognize myself.


A few weeks ago I had to figure out what I preferred --- FAT or CRAZY!

Well, maybe not quite, but that's what it felt like.

The medicine I started taking to keep me from jumping off the ledge was causing me to gain weight.

It sucks to join Weight Watchers with friends and be the only one that GAINS every single week regardless of the changes I made to my diet.

I took the plunge. I don't need to be fatter. I've worked long and hard for years to fight my bulges and even though mentally I was feeling better most days, all it took was stepping on the scale once a week to send me plummeting into the abyss of overweight despair.

I changed medicine and went through a deep low (though not as deep as before) and now, hopefully I am on my way back up.

I also bought the biggest size jeans I've ever worn. Every time I put them on I am grateful I don't have to wear my capris that were the only thing I fit in besides my stretch pants. My ankles are warm too! I keep in mind that some day, SOON I hope, I can donate some really great condition nice jeans to someone who needs them.


I will also be making changes to this blog. I had to make my first post yesterday, but I promise to tweak this blog to make it more user friendly and have useful links to things and blogs I find helpful.

Any tips or clues on how to do that would be quite helpful since I am pretty new to doing anything besides posting pictures and writing.

That's it for now... Blessings!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Peace in the Process

This has been the hardest year of my life that I can remember.

I am finally embracing the process of this journey of life. Today. I can't promise how I will feel about tomorrow, but for now, an hour before I have to pick my fellas up from school, I choose to embrace the process.

I have gone through hard times before, but this year, has been fully loaded with curveballs, heart hurts, people hurts, health issues and transitions I could never have imagined.

The details of the above may or may not come out in this blog. But essentially they aren't key to what this blog is about.

Finding Peace in the Process of LIFE.

I am doing some great Bible study, reading some other wonderful books, blogging, and connecting with others who want to do the same.

I have struggled with Depression for years (mostly S.A.D.) with occasional panic attacks but this year hit severe clinical depression including constant suicidal thoughts and as many as 6-8 panic attacks a day.

Peace is a big deal.

I've known Jesus my whole life.

I know He's called the Prince of Peace.

This year I've been tested in my faith and what I know about Him, what I know about me, and what I ultimately practice when it comes to Peace.

So, I'm learning...

Peace in the Process...

One day at a time.