Neck Deep in the Battle

The last couple of days were ridiculously awful. In my head. Oh, they were awful for the people around me too, but in my head they were much worse.

I know the truth about who God says I am. I have walked confidently in my identity in Christ. I have successfully battled the "you're a terrible mother" assaults in my mind with every volume change, attitude change and toxic choice before too.

But the last two days have been much more intense. This time there is a raw fear attached to those thoughts. I'm taking my beautiful fellas so intensely personal when they call me mean, disregard or disrespect me. I didn't do that before.

I have had moments the past 48 hours of laughter, peace, and hope for something else but then the assault continues and I have to hold my breath and swim back to the surface convincing myself I won't drown in my self-destructive thoughts.

I'm changing medications and that may be a factor. I'm pursuing my heart hurts and growing my faith. I'm medicating with food and sometimes alcohol (very minimally with alcohol because if you don't know, it makes you MORE depressed and I sure don't need that!).

And tonight, His still small voice whispered this to me:

YOU have tremendous value. I'm not giving up on you. Please don't give up on Me. Stir up your faith, I've got you. I see you struggling with believing Me and trusting Me. It may not look like what you imagined, but I promise it will be better. I love you. Holding you forever, God

I'm heading to bed. The depths of me needing the depth of His love to purge the partially true-mostly lies thoughts from my head and soothe my heart with His healing touch as I sleep. At least, that's what I'm asking Him for.