Friday, January 27, 2017
What Can I Control?
Joining the Five Minute Friday writing gang again today.
I find that when I feel out of control I am flooded with anxiety and my productivity is severely unhinged.
When I stop and focus on what I can control - ME - my actions, responses, reactions and behavior everything in my world comes into order.
What I can control is deciding what I will do and how I will proceed with whatever is happening in my world in any given moment.
I have 3 boys who are super busy, challenging, and incredibly brilliant - I'm their mom - I'm supposed to feel that way... but they are also like standing in front of a pitching machine with a bat in my hand and every ball coming toward me is unpredictable.
As I type they are yelling battle cries, shooting Nerf guns and careening about the house fighting with each other about whose is what and jockeying for position in the hierarchy of our world...
I can control me, type, focus on the benefits to letting them work things out for themselves while I carve out 5 minutes to blog.
The difference between peace and anxiety for me is knowing what I can control is me.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
2017 the Year of Joy
It was 10 years ago, I had to say goodbye. Losing a baby changes
you.
This past week my body has had more memories than I have. Back
to back anxiety attacks, sadness, restlessness, and random mood swings that
seem connected to nothing, I have been reliving it. The uncertainty, the fear,
all came back like a tidal wave of history. The week of waiting to know if she
was going to grow.
It was my first trimester, elated, I was already attached.
Our toddler boys and I came up with a song to celebrate her existence only to
have to change the lyrics once she died. They saw her, like a diamond on a ring
when heart was beating, she was real to them. Having a sister in Heaven changed
them too.
I’d walked with beloved friends through this loss. I’d seen
the grieving, the heartbreak, the leaning in to Jesus when temptation is to
push Him away. I begged Him to show me who I’d lost. In the haze of sleep and
waking, the day after loss-discovery, He showed her to me. Tucked in His arms,
girl-pink blanket swaddling and white knit cap revealing dark eyebrows, feathery
lashes on eyes closed asleep, sweet teeny nose, rosebud lips relaxed, peaceful.
For a few moments, only moments, the agony was replaced with beauty.
My middle name is Joy. I’ve loved and hated having an emotion
as a part of my title. I wanted a girl and thought having a little girl named
Joy would be delightful. My logical linear thinking Love said naming a child
after an emotion wasn’t something he would consider. Until now.
We were overJoyed when we discovered I was pregnant for the
third time. She only knew our Joy for her arrival. She would never know the
pain of earth-living, Joy was the perfect choice for her.
Ten years later, I type in the early hours, Sophie-dog in my
lap, releasing again the darling little lady waiting for us in Heaven. Grateful
for the gift of her. The knowing of grief while embracing Joy is the
declaration to dive deep and rise.
2017 the Year of Joy.
Friday, January 20, 2017
Re"Fine"
The sun is shining, the sky is blue and I’m sobbing in my
truck.
I went to lunch with my hubby, which I typically love, but
instead today we talked of grocery budgets, his opinions and mine on expenses and I mentioned how I feel buried in my MUST DO NOW
list. I’m sure he didn’t enjoy it any more than I did. He feels helpless with
this crazy place that happens in our world. After 25 years, it’s still a
challenge despite the professional resources we are grateful for.
And so, I sob, all the way home and cry at my keyboard as I
type.
I see the word prompt for today is REFINE.
I feel like taking it in a non-normal direction and say
re-fine is to say you are fine, and then when someone else asks, “How are you?”
you say “fine”. So you re-“fine”. And you keep saying it because when you are
feeling sucked in the blackness despite the sunny soggy-snow-melty blue sky day,
that is how you are. Fine.
I don’t imagine off-ing myself. My suicidal thoughts died
when my psychiatrist told me that often kids follow their parents if they
commit suicide. That horrified me. Never. Ever. Ever.
Today I am just fine. Crying, sniffling, trying to push
through the anxiety that is coursing through my veins I will continue to re"fine”
until I believe it.
I'll be "fine".
I'll be "fine".
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