Friday, January 31, 2014

Mental Health Moments

This has been a hard week on many levels and I started this morning choking down more than one panic attack, breaking up boy-cranky-ness, and serving fruit snacks for breakfast (yup, I'm passing on the parenting gold star for today).

However, today there is LOTS of snow and sunshine so I HAD to take some time to go for a drive in "Awesome Black" (my youngest named our car) and snap a few pictures after my lil fella went to school.

Music poured into my head and heart. I saw beauty. I re-centered in the grateful places.

I am not ungrateful very often, distracted by my circumstances lately.

The pain in my heart hasn't gone away, the boot on my foot from a wrecked ankle this week is still here (as well as the ache of grumpy ligaments and tendons), my giant booty isn't shrinking at the rate I'd like it to (slower now with a bum leg), and several other things I won't mention continue to challenge me.


HOWEVER, at the end of this mental health moment I must say:

I found JOY!

The bubble up from the bottom of the deep well of my life, JOY is there. Smiling in the sunshine, soaking up the beauty of the day, and soon to be hobbling around my kitchen making and decorating cupcakes for my Snowmometer making boy who happily settled for a small simple party after our crazy week. 

There is blessing, peace and JOY to be found in every day. 
I'm getting even better at finding ALL to be had! 
May your weekend be filled with JOY! (No matter who wins the Super Bowl!)

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Trying to Look Up Under the Tidal Wave

In my blog earlier this week I talked about waves of pain, anger, sorrow, joy and peace.

Today the wave of pain crashed over me and I feel helpless to rise to the surface. I know I will, time has taught me that, but while I'm down here I thought I'd share a few thoughts...

I look up at the metaphorical glassy surface of water flooded over me I can see ripples of my future. Submerged, holding my breath, pain pinching my lungs, I catch a glimmer of hope.

Acknowledging wrongs done, willing to walk barefoot over sharp rocks on the road to healing, pressing in to Father for comfort, clinging to Truth for oxygen, I try to breathe under the water. I can. Because of Him.

The pinch in my chest remains, not for lack of oxygen, but because agony must find its outlet. My thoughts wander to ones I've been charged to bring up in this world where heartbreak happens.

Our firstborn. The child promised and longed for. Nine and a half years of infertility and heart pleas for this one. His quirky sense of humor, energy and unquenchable creativity draw me in to ways of understanding only he and I share.

Our second born. A brilliant surprise VERY soon after our first gift. The glow of his smile and infectious laughter are unparalleled by anything else God created. Intellect and charm ooze from this guy and he is the sunshine of my every day. 

Our third born. Powerful in word and deed. Like a jolt of lightning this one struck with such delight and tenacity our whole family remains upended in a wonderful way. He is my personal assistant, giggle sparker, and fiercely loyal prince.

From the depths I see them, choose them all over again and pray for God's grace over them as I remain submerged in this season. I will continue to hold them, pray for them, laugh with them, cry with them and do life with them, even in dark waters, I can always reach up to them...

Monday, January 20, 2014

Down and Dirty...

So many things have happened in the past week.

I can't imagine how to begin to describe the waves of pain, anger, sorrow, joy and peace.

Just when I think it's going to get better something else is exposed and I feel undone again. And again. And again.

And... again.

Fighting the panic attacks has begun again. Juggling emotions and words like a clown on crack, wondering if I ever get to climb off the Blindfold Express hurtling into painful events and circumstances with such speed and turbulence that would shake Mother Teresa herself (she is one of my heroes).

Since I am not a nun nor a woman of her caliber I am left to lean on the only One I know who promises to never leave or forsake me. God. Don't think I'm not a bit cranky with Him about all this too - keeping it real - He at least listens and really hears my anger and heartbreak and moves forward into my pain with me.

What about the joy and peace in the midst of all this?

Joy comes when I stop staring manically at my circumstances and remind myself that good old Romans 8:28 is still Truth.

Peace comes when I quit trying to figure it out too far ahead on my own instead of trusting God with whatever is next.

Meanwhile...  I remain in a place desperate for God's intervention, looking for His insight, leaning on my support system and trying not to crack up. I wish I could tell you it was easy or I'm doing fantastic at it. I'm not.

I continue to grow in this place that circumstances and hurts are choking my every breath. I won't let this pass without learning what I need to move forward.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Being Angry and Still Living in Joy

It sounds crazy doesn't it? I think so.

BUT, I find myself there.

Neck deep in the ashes of some major life events that have left me ANGRY and sad, I find joy.

Joy like I talked about last week in this blog - for real.

The biggest nugget of joy has been being honest with God, myself and others about the massive tangible anger I feel about these circumstances. Turns out God isn't shocked, my friends and family still love me and the circumstances are still there.

One thing that has changed is me. I am building up courage to walk through pain and anger instead of trying to escape it. I have let anger get me a big butt, zits, lose sleep, sinus headaches from bawling, and separate me from the one(s) who have hurt me.

I've now personally experienced how anger is such an enormous dividing wall between me and the one I am angry with. I've been angry before but not to this degree that plunges to the depths and then threatens to erupt unchecked like Mt. St Helens leaving disaster behind.

This time I am venting. To God mostly. He's the one that can handle the really nasty stuff, even when it's Him I'm angry with. He is not mad at me for being angry and He built me with emotions to experience them not stuff and hide. I don't like to spew poison into the air when I speak. I try to stay away from it as much as possible. I've texted with a few friends & family but ultimately He's the one who will restore my soul's devastation.

I KNOW He will restore, heal and can handle my brutal honesty in my current situation. That brings me back to JOY.

Joy in the midst of the swirling blackness of anger is a shimmer of bright truth. A pure gold thread woven tightly into a blanket, a moment of silence in my thoughts when they settle and finding rest in His presence. Experiencing joy is the clicks on my keyboard sharing my process knowing someone will feel less alone in their pain because I shared.

This time I am walking through my anger, knowing His Presence contains the fullness of Joy and He is with me as I am with Him.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

If I Could Do or Be Anything I Wanted...

That question has plagued me for weeks.

I have been pondering this upcoming year, praying for vision, revelation or even a clue as to what my focus should be. If you've read any of my past blogs here or on my other blog 3boymomma you know I'm battling food addiction and clinical depression.

Which makes this all the sweeter to announce officially - I want to be/live/breathe JOY.

Boundless, outrageous, undeniable, unquenchable, extravagant, effervescent, shiny, breath-of-fresh-air, rocky-mountain-high, fresh-out-of-the-cocoon-stretching-wings-and-flying JOY.

It doesn't matter where I live, what church, school, organizations I belong to, how I make (or don't) money. What kind of car, haircut, clothes, I have is irrelevant (as long as they are clean-most of the time).

I'm not talking about in-your-face, wisecrack while you weep, insensitive pushy happiness.

I'm talking about ray-of-sun-shining-through-deep-fog, come-alongside-and-savor-moments of pain bathed-in-peace-with-holy-tenderness JOY.

The JOY that is always in season and never fails to produce good fruit.

That is who I want to be and what I want to do.

Stay tuned on how I manage to become this...