Down and Dirty...

So many things have happened in the past week.

I can't imagine how to begin to describe the waves of pain, anger, sorrow, joy and peace.

Just when I think it's going to get better something else is exposed and I feel undone again. And again. And again.

And... again.

Fighting the panic attacks has begun again. Juggling emotions and words like a clown on crack, wondering if I ever get to climb off the Blindfold Express hurtling into painful events and circumstances with such speed and turbulence that would shake Mother Teresa herself (she is one of my heroes).

Since I am not a nun nor a woman of her caliber I am left to lean on the only One I know who promises to never leave or forsake me. God. Don't think I'm not a bit cranky with Him about all this too - keeping it real - He at least listens and really hears my anger and heartbreak and moves forward into my pain with me.

What about the joy and peace in the midst of all this?

Joy comes when I stop staring manically at my circumstances and remind myself that good old Romans 8:28 is still Truth.

Peace comes when I quit trying to figure it out too far ahead on my own instead of trusting God with whatever is next.

Meanwhile...  I remain in a place desperate for God's intervention, looking for His insight, leaning on my support system and trying not to crack up. I wish I could tell you it was easy or I'm doing fantastic at it. I'm not.

I continue to grow in this place that circumstances and hurts are choking my every breath. I won't let this pass without learning what I need to move forward.