Tuesday, September 16, 2014

My Black Hole - Part 3

If you missed Part 1 or Part 2 those links will take you there.

I am neck deep in living Part 3! I have a new hairstyle, a new wardrobe style (I call it quirky casual to make it seem creative when I just want to wear something I love regardless of how well it "goes" with whatever else I've got on and a joy-filled outlook.
My necklace was a gift from my Love for losing 75lbs. Blue Piranha is full of gorgeous wearable art!

The challenges are daily, the victories are frequent, the defeats don't feel eternal, the joy inside is my constant companion, finally.

I see beauty everywhere. I was at a women's retreat this weekend - the first one in a long time. The setting was beautiful, but the women - spectacular!

For once I wasn't focused on how I measure myself against or alongside them. I was content to be me and enjoy them. No comparisons, no wondering what it would be like to have that body, that face, that money, that _____. I used to get stuck in weighing myself against the competition - was I really the fattest woman in the room or could I find someone heavier than me? This time it didn't even cross my mind. Not once.

That alone is a giant victory from where I once lived. But to learn from a great speaker, enjoy the presence of beloved friends, and soak up the beauty of nature without once focusing on my lack of anything compared to anyone - that is a REAL MIRACLE!

I didn't even realize it until I started writing how amazing that was. Wow!

On to the daily stuff - the daily lists, Mt. Laundry, stinky crock pots from the night before, and the watch I dropped behind the bed that I only remember is there when the alarm goes off...

Life is still very daily.

I get up, wander out to let the dog outside, type blogs from my bed, roll my eyes at my "bed head", get boys up and ready for school, get ready for work, run errands, clean things, wash things, decide if Mt. Laundry can wait another day or if a load or two would be helpful...

I've made mistakes at work that when corrected, didn't devastate me. I've made mistakes at home that require repentance (usually to my kids) and didn't spend hours or days contemplating how horrible they would turn out because I am their mom, and I still have things that stare at me daily reminding me I am a work in progress, but I don't feel defeated, only thankful that God isn't finished with me yet. 

This Black Hole series has been a good reminder to me - when I was in it - all I saw was the Hole - self-obsessed survival, desperate of mind and body. I stared into the darkness looking for any shred of Hope. I found it, barely, but the darkness didn't go away. Now, over a year later, I know the benefit of walking through it all. 

I almost gave up. I am so glad I didn't. It was worth every bit of painful self-exploration, purposeful spiritual growth, and stormy emotional waves to get to the other side of it. 

If you are in the Hole. Hang on. Don't give up. There is Light at the end of this tunnel. Get the help you need. You won't regret it. And, I'm praying for you!

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