We write for five minutes on a one word prompt. This week: BEAUTY
Ready, set, GO!
I've been in pain with a migraine for 39 days now. I spent 19 days in the hospital while they tried everything imaginable to get rid of it to no avail. On my 6th IV I developed a blood clot and now have to be treated with blood thinners.
SO. BEAUTY has felt rather elusive.However, BEAUTY is wherever you look. When I am in massive pain, yes, I have to look harder. So I started taking pictures. To help me. To see.
I wish things were different. I miss the old me. I miss driving and the noise of my life. I miss being in the sunshine and yes, even shoveling snow.
I am learning, again, how I am NOT what I do. The BEAUTY inside of me and the BEAUTY around me cannot be contained or even distorted by pain, unless... I LET IT.
When I am so sick of the pain and I just want it to go away - legit, right?! I honestly want to stop breathing till its over. I am NOT suicidal. I want to live, I just want the pain to stop. Then it sucks me in like an undertow dragging me out to the sea of self pity.
Sometimes it is easier to break free than others, but eventually I do. To look for BEAUTY, again.
STOP.
 |
| Light saber storage, just in case. |
hi jennifer, i'm your next door neighbor at FMF. i feel for you:( i developed chronic pain/headaches, some of which were migraines, after a car accident i was in when i was in my early 40's. it took a variety of approaches to resolve them. turned out part of the problem was hormonal and unrelated to the accident (perimenopause), some was related to the accident but still took a multi pronged approach to treatment after all the bad stuff was ruled out. my dr. had me go to a list of people for treatment. told me to stick with those who helped and not waste my money on those who didn't. included chiropractor (worse), physical therapist (exercises helped a lot), relaxation techniques (helped some), counseling (helped a good bit). some of the things i learned were that i hadn't learned to take care of myself after multiple moves, 3 kids who were 15, 13 and 9. i had to learn to say "no" sometimes so i could say "yes" to the important things. I had to make time for fun things for myself without feeling guilty. i had to be honest with my husband who genuinely wanted to know my wishes but i was often giving the happy answer instead of the true answer...then wondered why i got angry later. duh! it was a difficult painful period. but gradually, the pain lessened. of course, your situation may be entirely different...most likely it is. but when it comes to pain, it can get very tricky...it often takes more than one modality to help resolve it. recognize it as a symptom, not a disease. i will pray for you during this time of trying to sort it out. often you have to figure out the clues to your problem.
ReplyDeletePS. jennifer, i just read your Black Hole I and II posts. I see you have been on quite a journey! you go girl! I am touched by what you have been through so far. this will be a small part of your recovery. you will sort it out soon. just keep plowing on. i did find that often, keeping mildly active didn't make some of the migraines worse. a friend has a special ice pack with lavender in it that helps.
ReplyDelete